The unsettling thing about limiting beliefs is that they not only limit us but they also limit those around us. Very often those we love most. If you start saying about your child at 6 months of age that he is a difficult baby (maybe he has reflux and is not a good sleeper), the odds are against him because it is most likely he will grow up with you believing he is a troublesome 2 year old, a challenging preschooler, and perhaps even an out of control teenager. The question we could never know that answer to, is how much of that result was because of your belief about him and how much would have happened if you'd been able to keep the belief that he was not a difficult baby but a baby with a difficulty (ie., reflux). Herein lies the problem with generalizations!
I had a friend who had twin boys, and he often complained that he was always trying to balance people's comments about the twins. He would get apparently harmless questions about "Which one is the quiet one?" "Which one is the curious one?" "Which one is the cheerful one?" And he found himself fielding these questions with answers like "Neither" or "Both, depends on the day". He was painfully aware that labelling or generalizing about a person in an ongoing way, can not only create a permanent belief that we may then hold to be a truth, but can also, particularly in the case of children, become reality (as with the example in my previous post)
As parents, I believe it is not our job to tell the child how they are, but to help them discover WHO they are! I recently caught myself believing my little boy is "full on" which was my way of saying that he sometimes loses control, gets over excited or even angry. Well guess what I discovered? That is what 4 and 5 year old children do! And I would challenge even adults to consider whether or not they sometimes lose control (like being on a diet and having that piece of birthday cake anyway). I now recognise that he is just being what he is - a small boy and I don't attempt to define it in any way.
So, think about what your beliefs of your children, your family, your spouse and even your friends are. Are they generalizations that you have chosen to focus on? Are they helping the development of the person, or the relationship, or are they hindering it? If it isn't helpful to anyone, change the belief. It'll take focus but is truly worth the effort.
We need to BELIEVE the best even when faced with less than this, and focus on the positives in every situation since what we focus on we get more of. When focusing on children this will help them create a better belief and life for themselves, and for adults it will help them to be better in themselves. People generally live up (or down) to our belief in them. For ourselves, our loved ones and those around us to be successful, we must BELIEVE the BEST (and acknowledge that sometimes we must also tolerate the worst).
Hey Janine Brilliant Post! I can really relate to the ideas that you have spoken about. My daughter has been challenging from the day she was born I guess that's putting it politely and I can say it didnt get any better in her teenage years. I guess looking back as parents we did tend to label her as "difficult" "out of control" and guess what she lived up to our expectations. In hind sight your strategy for focusing on the positive seems to be the way to change their behaviour, sometimes difficult to do in the heat of the battle. Older and wiser I now aspire to believe the best in my kids now as young adualts and tolerate the worst. Thanks for sharing.
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